Beat Box

Posted in Uncategorized on March 12, 2008 by othermother2b

Today SJ and I went to a midwife. If you’ve been reading SJ’s Blog you already know that we had the “NASCAR” experience at our OBGYN. Which prompted us to go-to the midwife. It was great! The midwife office has a similar office as the doctor’s office, same tables, scales, equipment etc. the midwife asked all of the same questions…(this is where the difference comes in…) the midwife listened to the answers. Really, SJ said something about poly blah blah cysts and she spouted out something about diabetes. Which was fascinating because the Nurse Practitioner never told us such things. She also told us about flax seed oil and gave us a reading list of books. It was totally cool. She said something about later on drinking teas and our ears perked up. It was great! But the coolest thing ever was the heart beat. At the very end she said…hey you wanna hear the baby’s! Hell yeah. We held our breathe as the Midwife searched for the heartbeat and we heard SJ and the baby’s placenta and then out of nowhere.. squish squish squish heart beat.

Poor Preggy Magoo

Posted in Uncategorized on February 22, 2008 by othermother2b

So, after the first picture it has become more real. At this point I’m trying to figure out what I can do to help preggy magoo. Poor thing, her boobs are huge (I personally Like it and then feel a little guilty for staring) , her moods swing, and her pants are shrinking. I know it may seem early but, she is a short thing (sorry SJ I know you swear you’re 5’1 but, your 4’9) and her preg changes are becoming apparent fast.

Here is my list of guilty pleasures:

1. Staring at her huge beautiful boobies

2. Getting excited to see her smile (I swear she glows now, but I know it’s because of her temperature changes…hot/cold etc.)

3. Her nausea (even though this is not documented anywhere I have convinced my self that nausea or any other symptom is a sign of a healthy baby… this is not a known fact but I decided it to be true)

4. Can’t wait to be the hero.

My poor baby all she does is sleep and sleep. About 8pm she is about gone to the world.I have learned morning time it is best to lay low, listen and stay out of the way. I’m not sure if me thinking it’s cute or not is a “stage” but I’m certain it means I’m crazy. Again because I’m a sicko I’ve decided this confirms a healthy baby! I’m so excited for this whole journey!

….life in color

Posted in Uncategorized on February 19, 2008 by othermother2b

All I have right now is WOW.  Today at approx. 10:13am I saw our child for the first time in my life.  A little tiny blip on a screen of black and white brought me the brightest colors I have seen in a long time.  I love this little thing so much right now that there is no what ifs…it’s all whens right now.

We called our families and shared in the joy.  (SJ has a picture posted on her blog) We went over to SJ’s grandparents and they were so cute.  I danced.  I’ve been dancing all day.  Honestly, I think I might have had a normally bad day (people were mean, work was abundant, deadlines were pressing) but I can’t tell you for sure because nothing could touch me.  I’ve been dancing on a cloud.  It reminds me of when I met SJ.  It’s like…life is bright, the sky is blue.

I think I might be the luckiest person in the world.  12 weeks is next.  But, I’m loving everything right now.

My Baby’s Camel

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on February 9, 2008 by othermother2b

I made these pancakes for SJ this morning.  Can’t wait to make them for the baby.Camel Pancake  

my angel

Posted in Part 1 with tags , on February 9, 2008 by othermother2b

I’ve been crazy consumed by the world. Not by choice, as a matter of fact this is the first thing that I’ve wanted to do that I’ve been able to do all week. I don’t know what I’m going to do with a kid in the mix. I think it all just happens…I hope.

This week I’ve been reflective on my brother. I don’t know why? I lost my brother (Joey) on his 33rd birthday. For no good reason, not that there ever is a good reason to die. But, his death I’ve decided, he died of a broken heart. Technically, he died of a heart attack…but he was so sad and young the heart attack seems unlikely. This is going to sound crazy, but as of late I have felt his spirit around me and it has brought me a sense of peace (and sadness).

I’m reminded how life changes and we have no control of our fate. When my brother was 18 (while in high school) he had his first son. Since Joey was so young, he lived in the house with us with his son. I look back and remember how much fun it was as a family. All of us with the baby and watching him grow and watching his different characteristics and seeing my brother in him was beautiful. I think I was like 15 or 14, and the baby was such a bright light to our worlds. It taught me about babies and about life. I watched how this baby came into our lives and changed it. My Granny was dying and I remember how important it was to Joey for his son to spend as much time as possible with Granny. My grandmother had the most beautiful eyes in the world (similar to SJ’s same shade except my grandmother’s were Green) and watching her eyes light up when she saw her first grandchild, even a goofy teen like me noticed the love this bundle brought us. Here we were with this surprise of a life. My sister-in-law as a goofy young mom and my brother doing what he could with the best judgment he could make (as an 18 yr. old) to get his family up and running. I watched my brother change from a crazy, self centered, reckless, teen to a focused Man to get his family to their own house. He worked all hours, dropped out of school, learned a new trade as a welder and got his family an apartment. I have to admit, as a kid all I could see was an 18 year old that knocked up some 16 year old girl and was trying to just get my mom off his back. Reflection: I was the stupid kid that didn’t know enough about life. My brother dropped his friends and worked 2 shifts while his wife stayed home with the baby. I remember feeling like he slept too much on the weekend. Ha, what a foolio I was casting judgment on people I had no clue.

Even now, with SJ being pregnant I wonder did Joey know about the baby at 5 weeks? If he did, what did he do? I already feel myself changing. I’m becoming very protective of SJ’s bubble. I use to always tell her not to pick fights because I would just end up getting killed trying to defend her. (This was pre-El Nino). I now feel myself feeling crazed and obsessed with protecting her from not just mean people but, bad foods, sick people and air. I wonder if Joey felt this way at 18? I also feel a heavy burden to provide for SJ. (Who is a short fiery woman that can protect, provide and live easily without a goof ball like Me.)? But, I get what motivated Joey…I get what made him lose his 20’s and raise his son without looking back. Our baby makes me feel closer to loved ones that are no longer present here…on this earth. It’s magic. I found myself talking out loud asking questions to my brother. Is this what it was like for you? When he looked at his pregnant wife, did he feel as proud and excited as I do? It’s cool. I get it. While I miss him so bad it hurts (still after all of these years) he’s here, and these reflections make him and I closer than ever. I just never expected that our baby could bring such magic before it’s larger than a sesame seed! How much magic will it bring full size? Crazy.
I may have already said this in an earlier blog but I’ve decided that I’m gonna love El Nino no matter what. I know it’s early but El Nino deserves love it’s whole life and damn it that’s what we have to give. I have a Love that was passed from family members, from friends, and from random strangers to share with El Nino and I will love my little sesame seed and I’m so thankful for the reflections.

Miss you Bro!

El Nino…meet Granny…not uncle T

Posted in Part 1 on February 5, 2008 by othermother2b

El Nino is the name I have given our little sesame seed in SJ’s Belly. El Nino because of the storm that has been going on in my gut and swirling around in my brain even BEFORE we inseminated.

SO- Last night SJ and I told my mother about Nino. My Mom’s reaction was sweet, she was appropriately happy…but ummm I have to admit I was a little tiny bit disappointed how she kept looking at SJ and smiling and asking SJ all these questions about what SHE was going to do. “SJ, how many days are you going to take off?” and “when do you go back to the doctor”.  Like I have nothing to do with any of it. Now, I admit I might be a little tough on my mom but it’s OUR baby. She didn’t ask what I was going to do, when I was going to take off of work, etc. I did notice that she turned to me to ask about my insurance and if I was going to drop my contracting gig and pick up a full time gig. Isn’t it funny how traditional roles of circle heterosexual relationships are sometimes made to fit into our triangle homosexual relationships? It’s like I wanted to say…”hey mom, we BOTH are going to team up and take care of Nino” “I can be provider AND mother and hold onto your hat but…SJ can do the same”.

You don’t have to be one or the other, us as a team can do both. I know this is only the beginning, I know after the baby is born our family (SJ, baby and I) will face assumptions by well meaning people (and not so well meaning people). The point, I am mother and father in a traditional sense. I’m the provider and the caretaker and so is SJ. Hell, some days we might both be dad and the poor kid may have no mother.  Some days I may lift all the heavy stuff, watch sports AND use a chainsaw THEN make dinner, do the laundry.  (productive day, eh?)

Mother and Father are fabulous relationships, but they are not the only kind of relationships. My mother and father raised me, SJ’s grandparents raised her, my Aunt raised my cousin, my brother died and my nephew’s mother is raising them with their step dad. It’s all different sometimes it’s all male, sometimes all female but, who cares as long as love is what we are teaching our children? I DARE anyone to tell someone who was raised by their mother that they are less of a man because they didn’t have a father…. or VV. So I wonder why my mother is afraid to tell people there is no man? I think my mom is a well meaning person but, confused about everything she has ever been taught in the 50’s/60’s and applying them to her Lesbian daughter’s 2008 life. Like I said, I know I’m being hard on her she’s a great mom but, geez did she have to ask me what I was going to say when someone says, “who’s the father?” Honestly, there is NO “male father” is the answer.

When a woman is pregnant, straight or gay I never ask who the father is…do you? What business is it of mine? If I want to make conversation with a stranger my first question doesn’t go directly to… hey who knocked you up? Or what if when asked, “Who’s the Father?” I say, what do you mean by father? Donor? The caretaker with a penis? Don’t get me wrong, I think like 80-90% of the world is straight so assumptions get made. But, why would anyone ask a Lesbian couple who the father is except to be nosey? I think Mom just wanted an answer in case someone asked…I get it but still, who asks except nosey people?

A friend of ours, a straight male friend voiced some concerns when talking about if we had a boy. He was concerned on our ability to raise a boy!!! I was so surprised, we have been friends with this guy for years but now he is really saying that he thinks 2 moms means your boy could grow up with a male inferiority complex?  Really?  When did you learn to be a girl? What did your mom teach you?  Did she sit down and tell you, a woman means you …”XYZ”?  Did your mother teach you to be a woman and did your father teach you to be a man?  OR did you take what you liked from other individuals and decide what kind of person you wanted to be and gender was completely different?  Maybe it’s because I’m crazy but I don’t think that gender has anything to do with sexuality or mother or father.  Was he saying my son would not know what it’s like to be a man because he didn’t have a man in the house?  Are you ready for the craziest part?  HE was raised by his mother, who he LOVES (she died but, she is his hero).  So what the hell is going on here?  Why doesn’t he get it?  My theory, somewhere in his mind he is scared of woman doing what a man does.  Yup, I said it and I mean it.  I think he thinks that we are saying to the world, “screw you men we can do it without you!”

SJ and I think men are beautiful because of who they are as individuals.  I just don’t filter by male or female. What use is it except to perpetuate the stereotypes? I hope my son has many meaningful relationships because of who he is but, not because he’s a “man”.

4 Weeks In. So Far…So Good

Posted in Part 1 with tags , , on February 3, 2008 by othermother2b

I’ve always been a journal-er although I don’t think I have one full journal.  This is my first attempt of cyber journals.  My heart is heavy, excited, scared, nervous, tired.  SJ (my partner) and I have finally after 7 months of trying to get pregnant…got a positive.  Since that day, my heart with every beat has had a mixture of emotions.  It kinda feels like my heart is in my back…it’s like the feeling you get before you find yourself on a roller-coaster.  You know crazy stuff is going to happen, you don’t know what it is…but you know things are gonna get wild.   Happiness seems to be my consistent state.  I love it, it’s like when you first fall in love but, it’s different.  Maybe it’s like first love because with a baby you really don’t know what to expect like your first love.  You’ve seen things on tv or read about love in books and you think you know what it’s suppose to be like but, really you have no clue until it’s happening to you.    Scared because the happiness may go away.  And after so much time trying, could this really be true?  And if it is, what if something goes wrong with the baby?  What about down syndrome, or miscarrage or something happening to SJ?  What if I lose them both?  GOD HELP ME.  I’m freaked just thinking of it all.  Excited of course because what’s next?  I don’t know…All I know is, life as SJ and A is going to change and one will be added.  We will get to have the honor of sharing our love, our home, our world with a new life.  Our love has created a new life.  Right now, I’m a parent.  I have a new life in the love of my life that I am responsible for, I feel like  I’m getting ready for a big game.  I’m in training to be the support of my love, to give her anything she needs as she sacrifices her body to host the product of our love.  I’m training to support the little life that we have created for the rest of my life.Every day and everything I do, I wonder how would I do it with a baby on my hip?  Ethical situations make me wonder if I will be wise enough to give the right advise to my little one.  What kind of mom will I b and what kind of kid will this be?  How will SJ and I do as we struggle to make US happy, ourselves happy and the little one happy?  I don’t know, I’m scared but..happy.