my angel

I’ve been crazy consumed by the world. Not by choice, as a matter of fact this is the first thing that I’ve wanted to do that I’ve been able to do all week. I don’t know what I’m going to do with a kid in the mix. I think it all just happens…I hope.

This week I’ve been reflective on my brother. I don’t know why? I lost my brother (Joey) on his 33rd birthday. For no good reason, not that there ever is a good reason to die. But, his death I’ve decided, he died of a broken heart. Technically, he died of a heart attack…but he was so sad and young the heart attack seems unlikely. This is going to sound crazy, but as of late I have felt his spirit around me and it has brought me a sense of peace (and sadness).

I’m reminded how life changes and we have no control of our fate. When my brother was 18 (while in high school) he had his first son. Since Joey was so young, he lived in the house with us with his son. I look back and remember how much fun it was as a family. All of us with the baby and watching him grow and watching his different characteristics and seeing my brother in him was beautiful. I think I was like 15 or 14, and the baby was such a bright light to our worlds. It taught me about babies and about life. I watched how this baby came into our lives and changed it. My Granny was dying and I remember how important it was to Joey for his son to spend as much time as possible with Granny. My grandmother had the most beautiful eyes in the world (similar to SJ’s same shade except my grandmother’s were Green) and watching her eyes light up when she saw her first grandchild, even a goofy teen like me noticed the love this bundle brought us. Here we were with this surprise of a life. My sister-in-law as a goofy young mom and my brother doing what he could with the best judgment he could make (as an 18 yr. old) to get his family up and running. I watched my brother change from a crazy, self centered, reckless, teen to a focused Man to get his family to their own house. He worked all hours, dropped out of school, learned a new trade as a welder and got his family an apartment. I have to admit, as a kid all I could see was an 18 year old that knocked up some 16 year old girl and was trying to just get my mom off his back. Reflection: I was the stupid kid that didn’t know enough about life. My brother dropped his friends and worked 2 shifts while his wife stayed home with the baby. I remember feeling like he slept too much on the weekend. Ha, what a foolio I was casting judgment on people I had no clue.

Even now, with SJ being pregnant I wonder did Joey know about the baby at 5 weeks? If he did, what did he do? I already feel myself changing. I’m becoming very protective of SJ’s bubble. I use to always tell her not to pick fights because I would just end up getting killed trying to defend her. (This was pre-El Nino). I now feel myself feeling crazed and obsessed with protecting her from not just mean people but, bad foods, sick people and air. I wonder if Joey felt this way at 18? I also feel a heavy burden to provide for SJ. (Who is a short fiery woman that can protect, provide and live easily without a goof ball like Me.)? But, I get what motivated Joey…I get what made him lose his 20’s and raise his son without looking back. Our baby makes me feel closer to loved ones that are no longer present here…on this earth. It’s magic. I found myself talking out loud asking questions to my brother. Is this what it was like for you? When he looked at his pregnant wife, did he feel as proud and excited as I do? It’s cool. I get it. While I miss him so bad it hurts (still after all of these years) he’s here, and these reflections make him and I closer than ever. I just never expected that our baby could bring such magic before it’s larger than a sesame seed! How much magic will it bring full size? Crazy.
I may have already said this in an earlier blog but I’ve decided that I’m gonna love El Nino no matter what. I know it’s early but El Nino deserves love it’s whole life and damn it that’s what we have to give. I have a Love that was passed from family members, from friends, and from random strangers to share with El Nino and I will love my little sesame seed and I’m so thankful for the reflections.

Miss you Bro!