El Nino…meet Granny…not uncle T

El Nino is the name I have given our little sesame seed in SJ’s Belly. El Nino because of the storm that has been going on in my gut and swirling around in my brain even BEFORE we inseminated.

SO- Last night SJ and I told my mother about Nino. My Mom’s reaction was sweet, she was appropriately happy…but ummm I have to admit I was a little tiny bit disappointed how she kept looking at SJ and smiling and asking SJ all these questions about what SHE was going to do. “SJ, how many days are you going to take off?” and “when do you go back to the doctor”.  Like I have nothing to do with any of it. Now, I admit I might be a little tough on my mom but it’s OUR baby. She didn’t ask what I was going to do, when I was going to take off of work, etc. I did notice that she turned to me to ask about my insurance and if I was going to drop my contracting gig and pick up a full time gig. Isn’t it funny how traditional roles of circle heterosexual relationships are sometimes made to fit into our triangle homosexual relationships? It’s like I wanted to say…”hey mom, we BOTH are going to team up and take care of Nino” “I can be provider AND mother and hold onto your hat but…SJ can do the same”.

You don’t have to be one or the other, us as a team can do both. I know this is only the beginning, I know after the baby is born our family (SJ, baby and I) will face assumptions by well meaning people (and not so well meaning people). The point, I am mother and father in a traditional sense. I’m the provider and the caretaker and so is SJ. Hell, some days we might both be dad and the poor kid may have no mother.  Some days I may lift all the heavy stuff, watch sports AND use a chainsaw THEN make dinner, do the laundry.  (productive day, eh?)

Mother and Father are fabulous relationships, but they are not the only kind of relationships. My mother and father raised me, SJ’s grandparents raised her, my Aunt raised my cousin, my brother died and my nephew’s mother is raising them with their step dad. It’s all different sometimes it’s all male, sometimes all female but, who cares as long as love is what we are teaching our children? I DARE anyone to tell someone who was raised by their mother that they are less of a man because they didn’t have a father…. or VV. So I wonder why my mother is afraid to tell people there is no man? I think my mom is a well meaning person but, confused about everything she has ever been taught in the 50’s/60’s and applying them to her Lesbian daughter’s 2008 life. Like I said, I know I’m being hard on her she’s a great mom but, geez did she have to ask me what I was going to say when someone says, “who’s the father?” Honestly, there is NO “male father” is the answer.

When a woman is pregnant, straight or gay I never ask who the father is…do you? What business is it of mine? If I want to make conversation with a stranger my first question doesn’t go directly to… hey who knocked you up? Or what if when asked, “Who’s the Father?” I say, what do you mean by father? Donor? The caretaker with a penis? Don’t get me wrong, I think like 80-90% of the world is straight so assumptions get made. But, why would anyone ask a Lesbian couple who the father is except to be nosey? I think Mom just wanted an answer in case someone asked…I get it but still, who asks except nosey people?

A friend of ours, a straight male friend voiced some concerns when talking about if we had a boy. He was concerned on our ability to raise a boy!!! I was so surprised, we have been friends with this guy for years but now he is really saying that he thinks 2 moms means your boy could grow up with a male inferiority complex?  Really?  When did you learn to be a girl? What did your mom teach you?  Did she sit down and tell you, a woman means you …”XYZ”?  Did your mother teach you to be a woman and did your father teach you to be a man?  OR did you take what you liked from other individuals and decide what kind of person you wanted to be and gender was completely different?  Maybe it’s because I’m crazy but I don’t think that gender has anything to do with sexuality or mother or father.  Was he saying my son would not know what it’s like to be a man because he didn’t have a man in the house?  Are you ready for the craziest part?  HE was raised by his mother, who he LOVES (she died but, she is his hero).  So what the hell is going on here?  Why doesn’t he get it?  My theory, somewhere in his mind he is scared of woman doing what a man does.  Yup, I said it and I mean it.  I think he thinks that we are saying to the world, “screw you men we can do it without you!”

SJ and I think men are beautiful because of who they are as individuals.  I just don’t filter by male or female. What use is it except to perpetuate the stereotypes? I hope my son has many meaningful relationships because of who he is but, not because he’s a “man”.