4 Weeks In. So Far…So Good

I’ve always been a journal-er although I don’t think I have one full journal.  This is my first attempt of cyber journals.  My heart is heavy, excited, scared, nervous, tired.  SJ (my partner) and I have finally after 7 months of trying to get pregnant…got a positive.  Since that day, my heart with every beat has had a mixture of emotions.  It kinda feels like my heart is in my back…it’s like the feeling you get before you find yourself on a roller-coaster.  You know crazy stuff is going to happen, you don’t know what it is…but you know things are gonna get wild.   Happiness seems to be my consistent state.  I love it, it’s like when you first fall in love but, it’s different.  Maybe it’s like first love because with a baby you really don’t know what to expect like your first love.  You’ve seen things on tv or read about love in books and you think you know what it’s suppose to be like but, really you have no clue until it’s happening to you.    Scared because the happiness may go away.  And after so much time trying, could this really be true?  And if it is, what if something goes wrong with the baby?  What about down syndrome, or miscarrage or something happening to SJ?  What if I lose them both?  GOD HELP ME.  I’m freaked just thinking of it all.  Excited of course because what’s next?  I don’t know…All I know is, life as SJ and A is going to change and one will be added.  We will get to have the honor of sharing our love, our home, our world with a new life.  Our love has created a new life.  Right now, I’m a parent.  I have a new life in the love of my life that I am responsible for, I feel like  I’m getting ready for a big game.  I’m in training to be the support of my love, to give her anything she needs as she sacrifices her body to host the product of our love.  I’m training to support the little life that we have created for the rest of my life.Every day and everything I do, I wonder how would I do it with a baby on my hip?  Ethical situations make me wonder if I will be wise enough to give the right advise to my little one.  What kind of mom will I b and what kind of kid will this be?  How will SJ and I do as we struggle to make US happy, ourselves happy and the little one happy?  I don’t know, I’m scared but..happy.